I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
