I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
