So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
