Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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