I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
