There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
