I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
