My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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