Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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