So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
