To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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