chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
