I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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