sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
