We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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