I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
