I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
