You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
