some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
