Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
