Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
