It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
