Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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