omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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