Jerry, you need to find god
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
