I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
