I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
