That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
