Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
