Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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