Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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