so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
