Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
