Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
