She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
