I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
