well I can't set my house on fire every night
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
