i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
