i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
