sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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