tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
