Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
