All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
it's like iHOP with fire
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There's a naked man in my car right now.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
