Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
