I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
