god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
