i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
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