They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
