I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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