What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
